if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
