things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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