I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
