he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
