nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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