I'm jealous of your bromance
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
