I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
