i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
