Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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