Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize