life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize