i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
