There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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