Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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