There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
