goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
