My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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