my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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