This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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