Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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