I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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