Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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