i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
