Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
