I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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