I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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