There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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