random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
