I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
