ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
