At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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