...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
