I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
