chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
