I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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