I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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