just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
