Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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