Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
people are starting to question the shark bite story
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
