So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize