My nipple is on Facebook.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
