I will die if light touches me.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
