I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
You did what with his pubic hair?
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