life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Randomize
