I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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