Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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