i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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