new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize