im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
