Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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