apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
