Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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