i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
