its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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