i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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