Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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