yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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